


level up

by simplyverstappen



Series: YouTube AU [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - YouTube, Coming Out, Crying, Derogatory Language, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, Jos is a dick but what's new, Lando is still a good friend, M/M, Nightmares, Physical Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, it sounds dark I know but it gets so much better, who knows sksksk, will there be ABBA again?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29259831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyverstappen/pseuds/simplyverstappen
Summary: “I’m gay”, Max whispers into the empty room, tears in his eyes, his cat curled up on the floor next to his PlayStation, “I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay.”or alternatively, in 2020 everyone got to know Max and Daniel’s epic love story - but no one knows what happened before Daniel’s infamous tweet.In 2021, it’s Max’s turn to tell his story.
Relationships: Lando Norris & Max Verstappen
Series: YouTube AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659859
Comments: 129
Kudos: 183





	1. April 2014

**Author's Note:**

> Happy one year anniversary to the universe that quite literally changed my life 🥺
> 
> It’s been exactly one year since I started uploading the YouTube AU and honestly, I can’t believe it’s already been a year. I met so many lovely people and I made really good friends thanks to this fic and it still makes me so goddamn happy every time someone says this universe is their comfort universe 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the support it means the absolute world to me 💛
> 
> This fic was requested by someone on tumblr last year (I don’t remember by whom though, I'm so sorry 😭), someone wanted to know about Max’s backstory and here it is! 
> 
> We have to go through some rough shit at the beginning bc Jos so mind the tags (I did not use the tag Child Abuse because I personally think the stuff I wrote is not really graphic but take care anyway) but don’t worry it’ll definitely get better very soon ✨ 
> 
> Uploads will be every day, I hope you’ll enjoy a trip down memory lane - enjoy! 💛

**April 2014**

Max bites his bottom lip while glaring at the small screen in front of him, his fingers flicking over the controller in his hands, fully focused on the game, his concentration not slipping once. He’s so close to scoring the next goal, he just needs to get the ball to Messi, needs to-

“Max, dinner!”, his Papa’s voice sounds up the stairs and Max groans, not taking his eyes off the screen. “In a second!”

He can’t stop now- 

“NOW!”

Max doesn’t answer, ignoring his Dad even though he knows in the back of his head that this never ends well for him and he passes the ball to a virtual Puyol on-screen, managing just in time to block another goal from Ronaldo and Benzema. Alright, he has one more attack, it’s the last few minutes-

“MAX EMILIAN!” His Dad sounds very angry and Max flinches, his throat tightening but he’s so close to not losing this game and he whispers a quiet “yes!” when Messi _finally_ scores the equaliser. 

He quickly saves the game before he pauses it and leaves his controller on the bed, running downstairs but stops at the bottom of the stairs when he spots his Dad already waiting for him with crossed arms, a dark look in his eyes. 

That never means a good thing and Max takes a deep breath, bracing himself for what’s to come. 

His Papa looks really angry. 

“Sorry, I was just-“

“Save your excuses, I know you’ve been playing that stupid game again”, his Dad icily cuts him off, nodding towards the dining table. “One day I’m just gonna take it away from you. Sit, it’s getting cold.”

Max follows the order without another word, sinking down on his chair across from his Dad and quietly starts eating even though he’s not really hungry, ignoring the panic that spread through him when his Dad said he would take his PlayStation away from him. 

“Have you done your homework already?” His Dad’s voice is still cold and Max nods, knowing full well he’s lying but he’s also not in the mood for another discussion about how he should stop playing video games. He loves FIFA and racing games and video games in general, loves playing on his PlayStation and it’s just so much fun.

And a nice escape from that shitshow that is his reality most of the time. 

“What was your maths homework about?”, his Dad asks and Max swallows his food before staring at him a bit helplessly, his mind desperately trying to come up with an answer.

Fuck. 

“I- I think it was- I mean-“, he stutters and flinches when his Dad slaps him in the face from across the table. “Focus on your schoolwork, Max, you’re 16 and not 6 anymore!”, he growls. “And don’t you dare and lie to me again.”

Max swallows dryly, his cheek burning and he nods quietly, mumbling an apology before focusing back on his food. 

He should’ve known this would backfire. 

“You’ll keep your door open for the rest of the day so I can make sure you are actually doing your work”, his Dad tells him and Max stares at him a bit desperately. “But Papa-“

“No discussion”, his Dad interrupts him and Max looks down on his food again, blinking away a few tears. He’s not going to cry now, he’s not a fucking child anymore. Spyke, his little dog, is lying at his feet and Max gently pressed one foot against him, the dog grounding him a bit, helping to keep the tears away. 

“Can I take Spyke for a walk later?”, he asks quietly, looking back up again and his Dad nods, barely paying attention to him anymore, checking emails on his phone. 

Max breathes out, quietly finishing his food and putting his plate in the dishwasher before he heads upstairs again, making sure to leave his door wide open even though it makes him incredibly uncomfortable.

He feels watched, especially when he sees his Papa walk past his room a couple of times and it makes it hard to focus, the numbers blurring in front of his eyes. He still wants to upload his video to his little YouTube channel but he knows he can’t, at least not now. 

The second his Papa spots him on his laptop again he’ll get yelled at again or punch him and Max really wants to avoid that. 

His cheek is still red and stings. 

And there are still a few older bruises on his chest. 

He hides with his laptop under his blanket later that night, somehow cutting the new video and flinching every time he hears a noise, his door still open as a punishment. 

He hates it, hates that his Papa could stand in the door every second and his hands are shaking while he waits for YouTube to finish uploading, always one eye on the door, holding his breath every time he hears a noise, a creak of the stairs. 

He doesn’t even have many subscribers, just around 250, but that’s still _two-hundred and fifty people_ who subscribed to him. Who want to see his content and okay, Max knows a few spam accounts and porn bots follow him too but still. 

It’s 250 people. That’s _a lot_. 

And they’re nice, most of the time. 

And uploading on YouTube is fun, it helps him to keep track of the games he plays and while he doesn’t dare to upload with a Facecam (and who would want to see his face anyway) people still seem to enjoy his videos somehow. 

And no one has mocked him for his Dutch accent in his English yet. 

YouTube and video games are his escape from life, from his Dad and school and he breathes out when YouTube finally uploads his new video. 

He quickly closes the laptop and hides it under his bed before he pulls the blanket over him - he’s really glad his Papa doesn’t know about his YouTube channel.

A couple of days later it’s Saturday and Max actually just wants to spend his weekend playing more FIFA and the new Need for Speed. Or go out with a few of the neighbour kids and play football. 

“Do you have any homework?”, his Papa asks him during lunch, he’s actually home for once and not working in his office in the city and Max shakes his head, swallowing before he answers - his Dad doesn’t like it when he speaks with a full mouth. “No, I already finished it.” 

“Good.” His Papa actually looks satisfied for a second and Max smiles shyly, a bit of hope blossoming in his chest. He sat on his maths homework for nearly four hours yesterday, it was a real pain in the arse and maybe his Papa is proud of hi-

“I prepared some extra tasks for you for today and tomorrow, I expect you to work on them”, his Papa interrupts his thoughts and Max stares at him a bit speechless. “But I finished my homework-“

“Extra practice won’t hurt, will it? And your maths grades haven’t been that good lately.” His Papa is not even looking up from his phone and Max swallows dryly. “But I had a 7.5-“

“You really are dumb sometimes, aren’t you? 7.5 is not good. I expect 10s, Max, you know that. You will need excellent grades if you want to get into Law school-“

“But I don’t want to study Law-“

“Nonsense, of course you’ll study Law.” His Papa snorts, his eyes are hard. “You’ll thank me for that one day - I just want the best for you.” 

His voice turns a bit soft at the end and Max believes him but he also is quite happy with his 7.5 in maths and there’s a lump forming in his throat, his Dad’s voice repeating in his head. 

_’You really are dumb sometimes, aren’t you?’_

He’s 16, he has not really thought about what he wants to study but he’s pretty sure it’s not Law. But his Papa just wants the best for him and maybe he’s right-

But he also just wants to play video games again, he did all his school work and this is so fucking _unfair_. But he also knows arguing with his father is useless and he nods quietly, finishing his lunch before cleaning the kitchen after, his Dad already back in his office after dropping Max a stack of new maths exercises on the kitchen table. 

Max blinks a few tears away when he sits down, staring at the first task helplessly and wishing once again he could live with his Mama and Victoria, regretting the fact that he moved to Den Haag with his Papa. He misses his family a lot and he half-heartedly starts working on the first few tasks, hating every second of it. 

His thoughts keep wandering back to his YouTube channel and his latest video - he hopes people like it because he put a lot of effort into making it a somehow entertaining Clasico in FIFA and it was so much fun. He also keeps thinking about the new Need for Speed and how badly he wants to try it and maybe if he finishes his tasks quick enough- 

But the second he hesitantly knocks on his Papa’s office door and tells him he’s done his Papa just hands him another stack of exercises, this time for English and Max feels like crying all over again. 

“Can I play some football with the boys later in the park?”, he asks quietly but his Papa just raises his eyebrows. “Why?”

“Because it’s fun and I like them and-“

“If you finish all your additional homework without any mistakes, sure.” His Papa nods and Max swallows dryly, nodding before walking back to the kitchen table. 

He already knows he won’t finish in time. But the last time he wrote a bad grade his Dad didn’t talk to him for three days, giving him the silent treatment and it was nearly as bad as when he left him behind in Italy, so he turns to his exercises, working through English grammar. 

It’s when he lies in bed later that night, staring at the ceiling, a few old bruises his Dad has left behind on his skin aching, that the tears come back, mixing with the anger deep inside of him. He just wants to play video games and he _is_ doing his goddamn homework, his grades are _good_ , not exceptional but _good_ and he’s okay with that, really. 

And yet his Dad punched him again after Max talked back to him during dinner, saying he doesn’t want to do more extra work tomorrow and that it’s stupid and pointless anyway. 

He regrets it now and he winces a little when he moves, his cheek still stinging, a bit of blood lingering on his tongue from his split lip. 

Anger never really gets him far with his Dad so he pushes it down, burying it deep inside of him. 

He talked to his Mama on the phone before, her voice laced with concern but Max played it down, telling her he’s fine and that they cooked together today. 

Which is a lie but well. 

This is still his Papa and Max would love nothing more than seeing his Mama and sister more often but it’s not like he has a say in this. 

Or in what he will do after school, for the matter. 

He doesn’t want to study Law and he’s terrified of his father and he just wants to make him proud because despite all that, he still loves him so much and he curls into a small ball, hot tears running down his cheeks. 

At least his door is closed tonight. 

Out of habit, he checks his YouTube channel again, looking at the statistics and his heart skips a beat when he sees that someone left a new comment under his FIFA video. 

He can’t help the big smile that’s spreading over his face, his heart beating faster while he blushes in the dark, staring at the guy’s comment. 

He loves his videos. He thinks he’s doing a good job. 

And two people seem to agree with Juan, two people liked his comment. 

People like what he’s doing. 

He can’t stop smiling, still staring at the comment and he takes a deep breath. It’s gonna be okay, he still has his YouTube channel, has people who like what he does. 

He’s not completely alone.

And while his subscribers don’t know shit about him or his life he still feels like his little community of 250 subscribers has his back and he swallows dryly, looking back at Juan’s comment.

People like what he does.


	2. October 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of animal death (nothing graphic just mentioned)

**October 2015**

Max absolutely hates Law school. He applied to the University of Den Haag to study International & European Law with the hope to make his Papa proud, ignoring his Mama’s gentle questions if this is really what he wants to do with his life, just always brushing over it with a quick “yes”. 

“Yes, Mama, I wanna study Law.” 

“I wanna become a lawyer.” 

“I wanna be like Papa.” 

“It’s really interesting!” 

“It’s gonna be so cool!” 

It was all a lie. 

He will somehow manage though and his Papa had looked pleased when he told him he has been accepted into Law School so it’s okay. He’s going to become a lawyer and he could work at big companies or work with human rights later. 

He can change things, make the world a better place. And there will always be time for video games. Somehow. Has to. 

Uni is incredibly stressful. He has classes every day of the week, his professors have high expectations from their first day on and Max tries his best to somehow keep up. He is never late for his lectures, but he’s also exhausted most of the time, eating on his way to university and in his short breaks because he tries to avoid his own father at home and he already hates the library with a burning passion in his second week. 

And he does not even have assignments yet. 

He’s just there to go over his lectures again to understand the concept without his father breathing down his neck, testing him, calling him dumb and an idiot when he mixes up things again. 

Law is already hard enough without all of that pressure from home. 

He slips into his lecture hall, their professor isn’t there yet and he slowly sits down in the back, awkwardly smiling at the boy next to him. “Hi.”

He hasn’t really met people yet. 

Or like, made any friends. 

Everyone here is very distant and they all already seem to know each other, have their friend groups and study partners. 

The boy next to him just nods, looking up shortly before focusing on his notes on his Macbook again. “Hi.”

He has light blonde hair and blue eyes, wearing a jacket over a white dress shirt and well-fitting pants, his leather bag next to him. 

“I’m Max”, Max tries again, offering him his hand even though he’s nearly dying of anxiety on the inside and the boy turns a bit, shaking his hand. Max isn’t sure if he just imagined the quiet sigh from him.

“Finn. You’re from Den Haag?”

“Well, I was actually born in Hasselt in Belgium and my Mum is Belg- yes, I’m from Den Haag”, Max quickly ends when he sees the bored expression in Finn’s face. “Moved here with my Dad, he works here. And you?”

“Yeah, same. What do your parents do for a living?”

That’s ... unexpected and Max frowns. “My Dad is a lawyer and my Mum-“

“What’s his name?”, Finn interrupts him and Max sighs inwardly. “Jos Verstappen.”

Finn is quiet for a second, just staring at him before his eyes widen in recognition. “That’s so cool, he’s an absolute legend!”

Yeah, Max begs to differ. He manages just in time to not pull a face when Finn continues to bombard him with questions about his Dad for the rest of the lecture and he quickly leaves the lecture hall after, disappearing in the crowd of students. 

Most Law students know his Dad - a couple of Max’s professors sometimes bring him up as an example (not that they’d dare to criticise him) and he has a reputation. 

Not really a good one if you asked Max but apparently Finn doesn’t care about that. 

Max doesn’t want to make friends because of his Dad. And Finn only seemed interested in talking about their degree and his Dad’s old cases and when Max asked him if he plays video games Finn has just looked at him funny, asking him if that wasn’t something for twelve-year-olds. 

Max has felt really uncomfortable and he falls down on a bench close to the library, watching the other students pass him. He feels incredibly lost and out of habit he checks his YouTube channel, smiling when he sees that he has roughly 3,000 subscribers by now. 

That’s still such an insanely high number to him and he reads through a few comments below his last video, a smile on his face. It’s the only thing making him happy at the moment next to walking Spyke and he quickly answers another comment before he pushes his phone back into the pocket of his jeans, taking a deep breath.

He still has a few minutes before his next lecture and he puts his head back, staring at the grey sky above him, feeling lost, desperation tugging on his heart. 

A couple of days later he’s out for lunch with a bunch of fellow Law students, another guy - Jakob, Max remembers - dragged him along and this time Max was smart enough to not tell them who his father is. 

But in the end, it doesn’t matter. They went to some burger restaurant a few streets away from university and Max just doesn’t feel comfortable around them, not in the mood to join their boasting about what spectacular thing they did last weekend (Jakob went sailing with his Dad while Jonas and Liam went golfing with their fathers). 

Max picks in his salad, barely paying attention to them while thinking about a few new video ideas he has been toying with, looking up when he realises they’re all staring at him. 

“... what?”, he asks slowly, blushing when he feels all their eyes on him. 

He really hates being the centre of attention. 

“What do you do in your free time, Max?”, Jakob repeats his question, a bit impatiently and Max nervously fiddles with the hem of his designer jumper (he hates it but felt incredibly underdressed the first day in just jeans and a simple T-Shirt). 

“I like video games”, he says slowly, blushing when Liam raises his eyebrows. “Video games? You’ve got time for that?”

“Yeah.” Max shrugs a bit helplessly and Jonas leans back in his chair, eying him curiously. “And what do you play?”

Max knows they’re just trying to be polite, that they don’t care but- he’s really passionate about video games. And Jakob just spent half an hour talking about sailing. 

“I’m currently playing the campaign mode of Black Ops III which is quite fun but I also love FIFA and Need for Speed-“, he starts but stops when he sees Jakob’s judging look. “You play shooter games?”

“I mean, sometimes, I prefer FIFA and Need for Speed and other Racing games-“ Max swallows dryly, blushing and lowering his gaze, focusing back on his food while Liam already switched the topic. 

He feels like a complete loser, idiot and nerd and he just wants to be far, far away from here. 

Two weeks later they have to put Spyke down because the vet discovers a deadly lung cancer in him and Max is absolutely heartbroken. 

He spends the next two weeks hiding in his bedroom, ignoring his father yelling at him from outside the door that he has to stop being so fucking sensitive and he attends his lecturers rather sparely, just crying and distracting himself with some video games. 

Vic visits him on the weekend, and they take a long walk, but it doesn’t really help - Max feels like he lost the only friend he still had at his Dad’s place and when his father slaps him when he shows up for dinner after a week he doesn’t even flinch, just quietly sitting down across from him, listening to his father calling him a “little girl”, a “sissy” and “real men don’t cry”. 

He misses his dog so much and he gets quieter, nodding at Liam and Jonas when he enters the lecture hall on Monday, sitting down two rows behind them. 

They don’t ask where he’s been. Why would they. 

Max barely pays attention during his lecture, doodling on his notebook and at one point, he finds himself opening Google. 

He scrolls through the results for a few seconds, a longing pull inside of him but it’s pointless. His Dad will never allow it and he locks his phone, turning it around to actually pay attention for a few minutes when he hears his professor say that this is relevant for the exam. 

He makes a few notes but he’s still so tired and feels like shit so he reaches for his phone again - he can still answer a few comments. Or check out if there are any reviews for Assassin’s Creed Syndicate yet.

He’s heard it’s good but he hasn't gotten around to buying it yet and when he unlocks his phone he freezes. 

He swallows dryly and he unlocks his phone, taking a deep breath before he opens the message thread with his Dad. 

He’s surprised his Papa hasn’t his schedule memorised at this point but then again his father has never really cared about him. 

Max bites back the few tears that are building up, his throat tightening and he takes a deep breath, his hand shaking when he locks his phone again.

The last sentence cuts like a knife and he grips the edge of his seat, the desperate and lost feeling back in his chest.

He’s not going to cry in his fucking lecture now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got an exam around 3 pm today so early update bc I really don't know what to do with myself until then ksdjsk
> 
> also no offence against Law students sksksk ~~this may or not be based on personal experiences~~


	3. September 2016

**September 2016**

Max has no idea how it happened. Really not. But somehow an - apparently - funny clip from one of his videos went viral in spring and now he has over 800,000 subscribers and Max still has a hard time believing it. 

People seem to really enjoy his gaming videos though and it gave him the courage to change his channel name from _Maxy33_ to Max Verstappen. His father still doesn’t know he uploads nearly everything he plays neither does he know how big Max’s channel actually is. 

Or that he even has one. 

Where he uploads under his real name now. 

Playing video games and making videos is still his favourite thing in the world but it also gets harder and harder to create new content with Law School getting more demanding every day. 

He somehow passed his exams with acceptable grades and yet his father still wasn’t happy that he wasn’t the best of his course. And Max is getting more and more frustrated.

He started to loathe his textbooks, his lectures, the designer jumpers, the hostile, tense atmosphere in the library. Started to hate every awkward lunch with his fellow Law students, every second he has to pretend to be someone he is not. 

They still make fun of him for liking video games, Liam is the only one who tries to show polite interest but they’re just too different. And Max doesn’t want to make fun of them for liking golf and sailing and all those fancy parties they attend. 

Or that they are super invested in their degree and love talking about anything connected to Law.

It’s great that this makes them happy and he’s sure they’ll be great lawyers one day (not Jakob though. He’s just a prick). 

But it would be nice if they could at least try to accept him the way he is.

And there’s still the slight issue that he’s ... not straight. He noticed it again when Liam wore a tight white dress shirt to one of their lectures, running his hand through his dark curls and laughing at something Jonas said, his dimples showing. 

Max couldn’t stop staring, his heart fluttering in a strange way, his throat dry and while he’s not in love with Liam - he’s attracted to him. 

But somehow there don’t seem to be any gay Law students and his Papa would- Max doesn’t even want to think about what his Papa would do if he found out that his own son is gay. 

He picks in his salad, not paying attention to Jonas talking about their last lecture. 

His mind isn’t really here today, he’s still thinking about FIFA 17 which got released a couple of days ago and he wants nothing more than to get back home and play it. 

His father has called him immature for always just wanting to play video games. Told him to grow up and to stop acting like a little boy. 

But he _loves_ video games, has for years and he wants to work with them later, in whatever way. He still thinks about that Game Design degree, still looks for job opportunities at all the big game developer studios but in the end, he just closes the tab again, going back to his textbooks. 

His father would kill him. 

At least he can still work for studios like Rockstar as their future lawyer. That’s what he’s clinging to and he answers when Jonas asks him for his opinion on something before going back to picking in his salad and he pulls his phone from his pocket. 

He skims over a few articles which review FIFA 17, he’s so looking forward to finally playing it and he ignores the others during the rest of their lunch. Not that they seem to mind.

They don’t even know he has a YouTube channel and if they did Max is pretty sure they’d just make fun of him again. 

One day before his birthday he finds a little black kitten all on his own at the side of the road when he bikes home from the library and Max stops, frowning when he slowly walks closer.

There’s no house close by, just the road and a couple of fields and he also doesn’t see the mother of the kitten. 

His heart breaks when he sees the tiny black kitten stumbling through the ditch, meowing desperately, the fur sticky and dirty and before he knows it he goes down on his knees and scoops the kitten up in his big hand. 

“Hello”, he whispers, carefully petting the small black cat after making sure it’s not injured and checking for a sign that it belongs to someone. “Are you okay?”

Not that he expects an answer but the cat doesn’t seem to mind, it’s so _tiny_ , it can’t be older than a couple of weeks and Max gets back up again, unsure what to do. 

He doesn’t want to leave the kitten behind. 

But he also doesn’t want to bring it to the shelter and he takes a deep breath. His father is going to kill him but the cat needs a home. And with the bit of money he makes from YouTube by now he can take care of the cat.

He doesn’t need his Dad’s money for that. 

“I’ll take you home with me, okay?”, he tells the cat while carefully picking up his bike with his free hand, pushing it along the road. “And we‘ll go to the vet and maybe they know more about you but if not you’re gonna stay with me.”

The kitten stopped meowing by now, clearly comfortable in his hand, it’s even purring quietly and Max can’t stop the smile that’s spreading over his face. 

He doesn’t want to admit it but he’s already way too attached to the little kitten even though he has zero experience with cats and when he reaches his home he takes a deep breath, bracing himself for the shouting. 

He missed dinner with him walking the rest of the way home and he unlocks the door, the cat still in his hand. 

“You’re late.” His Papa’s voice is icy but Max just nods, hanging up his coat before he turns, facing his cold stare. “I’m sorry but I found a kitten-“

He shows him his hand and his father stares at him incredulously before he scoffs. “Bring that dirty thing back.”

“No.”

“Max Emilian-“

“Papa, please-“

“Black cats bring bad luck, I don’t want that thing in my house.” His father looks genuinely pissed and Max swallows dryly, his free hand shaking. No. He’s not giving in this time and he takes a defensive step back. 

“Please, it won’t distract me from uni, Spyke also didn’t-“

“It’s dirty and I won’t waste money on it.” 

“I’ll take care of her- or him or- anyway, I’ll take care of him with my own money. He will be in my room the whole time you won’t notice him at all, _please_!” 

He holds his father’s stare, his heart beating fast against his ribs while he holds the kitten close to his chest and his father snorts. “The second it pees somewhere it’s gone.”

Max just nods quietly, heading up to his room, closing the door behind him before gently dropping the kitten on his bed and pulling his phone from his pocket, already looking for his vet’s number. 

While that confrontation with his father about Balu went a bit too peacefully, the second one comes just one month later. 

Law school is getting to him and after he has a breakdown over an essay at 2 in the morning, Balu peacefully sleeping on his lap, Max crying because he feels so desperate and dumb, he knows he needs to change things. 

He pulls his laptop closer, checking his account stats and quickly runs the numbers in his head, calculating. 

He could- he’s making money with YouTube. He currently makes 5€ per 1,000 clicks. 

His latest FIFA 17 video is currently at 100,000 views, he made 500€ from it. If he had the time to make more videos-

His channel is constantly growing, his videos are popular, a few other YouTubers have already reached out to collaborate with him and he played an online FIFA match with some guy called Carlos Sainz jr the other day. Max doesn’t really know him but he seemed nice enough over the headset and he stares at his statistics, his heart beating fast in his chest. 

If he- if his Mum maybe helps him out in the beginning with- he could- 

He nearly doesn’t dare to hope. But the numbers don’t lie and he’s making money with his account and if he had time to produce more content, to actually make YouTube his _job_ \- 

It’s so fucking risky. 

It’s 3 in the morning, his essay long forgotten, Balu still sleeping on top of him and Max pulls his blanket higher, careful not to wake his cat. 

His father would kill him if he dropped out of Law School.

But the thought of dropping out is so freeing it nearly makes him cry again and he scrolls through his statistics. He’s already a part of the YouTube Partner Program and-

It could work. It’s incredibly risky and he might throw his future away but he could make money from this. He’s had a few videos who flopped, naturally, but 85% of his videos are incredibly popular, especially lately and he takes a deep breath. 

His father is going to kill him but with Balu sleeping on his chest and the numbers in front of him- 

Fuck this shit he’s going to do it. 

“You’re doing _what_?” His Papa doesn’t even try to hold back his anger and Max takes a deep breath, glad that Balu is upstairs in his room, away from whatever might come. 

“I’m dropping out of Law School to become a professional YouTuber”, he states calmly, his voice only shaking slightly, “and I’ll move out.”

“Are you insane?!” His Papa snorts and shakes his head, his face already red from anger. “You throw everything away for these stupid games-“

“I did the maths, Papa, I make money from YouTube already, my channel is growing-“, Max tries to explain but draws in a sharp breath when his father slaps him hard in the face. 

“You’re a stupid, immature child”, his father hisses, he’s seething. “ _YouTube_! Why don’t you go and whore yourself out, might have the same effect!” 

He spits the words out and Max blinks away the tears, he’s not giving in now, ignoring his Papa’s comments. He knew this would come. “But Law isn’t making me happy and YouTube does and-“

“Oh shut up, I thought I taught you better.” There is another punch and Max grits his teeth, his hands shaking. He’s 19, he shouldn’t- he shouldn’t be afraid anymore. 

“You’re such a disappointment, Max - I did so much for you and this is how you repay me. How you disrespect me.” His father scowls, the words sting and Max notices a few tears running down his cheeks. He wipes them away, annoyed with himself and he draws in a shaky breath. 

He won’t let himself be guilt-tripped now. Not again. 

“I already looked for flats, I’ll move to Amsterdam-“

“Did your mother talk you into this?!” His father glares at him and Max blinks, staring back confused. “No! But Papa, I _want_ this, I don’t want to become a lawyer-“

There’s another slap and he feels his cheek burn, more tears pooling in his eyes. 

“You’re my biggest failure, Max”, his Papa tells him quietly before he reaches for his briefcase, nothing but disgust in his eyes. “When I come back tonight, I want you gone.”

He leaves the house, the door falling shut heavy behind him and Max feels his breathing quickening, more tears running down his cheeks. His flat isn’t ready yet, he barely has all his furniture yet, he-

But he’s also terrified of staying, of being here when his Papa comes back later that night and he wipes the tears away, his hands shaking. 

He heads back to his room and starts packing as quickly as he can, praying his Mama can pick him up and drive him to Amsterdam. He makes sure his PlayStation and his PC are safely packed before he heads for the rest of his stuff, his hands never stopping shaking.

After he’s done he fishes for his phone and his headphones, he needs some music to distract himself and he presses shuffle on the first playlist he sees, not caring what he listens to.

He nearly snorts when it’s ABBA and he shoulders his backpack, reaching for the handle of his first suitcase. 

_No more carefree laughter_

_Silence ever after_

_Walking through an empty house_

_Tears in my eyes_

_Here is where the story ends_

_This is goodbye_

His Mama made that Playlist for him, said it's filled with songs they always listened to on their road trips to the beach in summer and Max faintly remembers the song, his Mama singing along to the lyrics with a big smile on her face while the sun flooded the car, Max and Vic on the backseat of her old VW. 

He takes a deep breath, bringing his first suitcase downstairs before helping Balu in the transport box and he gets the rest of his stuff, walking through the house one last time. 

He still has tears in his eyes, looking at the familiar rooms and it feels unreal that he won’t be coming back here after today. He stares at the sofa in the living room, a memory of him cuddled against his Dad, them watching a movie on TV and laughing, mixing with a memory of his Dad punching him, screaming at him while Max is cowering on the sofa, crying. 

_Memories, good days, bad days_

_They'll be with me always_

_In these old familiar rooms_

_Children would play_

_Now there's only emptiness_

_Nothing to say_

He swallows down the lump in his throat, turning his back to the room before heading to the front door, hugging his Mama tightly when she arrives an hour later.

He keeps the song on repeat while they drive from Den Haag to Amsterdam. 

His flat obviously isn’t finished yet and Max sets up the bit of stuff he has before he sends Vic a snap from his nearly empty bedroom. 

He orders food after, sitting on an old carpet in the living room (his sofa didn’t arrive yet) and he starts crying again when it gets dark outside, Balu curled up on the floor next to his PlayStation. 

He’s not sure if he’s crying out of relief or sadness - probably a mix of both. His Mama promised to help him out with the rent in the first few months and Max hugs his knees, staring at the black screen of his TV. 

His phone vibrates and he glances at it, quickly replying before more tears collect in his eyes and he chokes back a sob, trying to somehow keep it together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Max with my whole heart honestly 
> 
> ALSO YES MORE ABBA OFC THERE IS MORE ABBA KSJSD


	4. October 2016

**October 2016**

There’s another thing he needs to do. Another thing he knows will piss off his father immensely and while they’re not talking at the moment- Max knows this could ruin their relationship forever. 

But he needs to do this and he sets up his camera, his hands shaking. He reached one million subscribers a couple of days ago and while he still gets a bit nauseous when he sees the number and his statistics - it’s nothing to what he’s feeling right now. 

He stares at the black lens of the camera, his chest tight and he feels his breathing quickening again. But this is important to him. 

He never shared much about his private life during his videos or the few streams he did, fans know his name and what he looks like thanks to Instagram but that’s it. 

And yet Max is about to share his biggest, most intimate secret with over one million people. 

But he wants to; he wants to share his story. He doesn’t want to hide, not with the community who has given him so much over the last few years and while he knows he might ruin his whole career with this - he doesn’t want to lie. He doesn’t want to pretend to be someone he is not.

He’ll continue with his normal videos after that, he already has another Need for Speed video ready but he needs to focus now. This is his first video where he shows his face and he’s terrified. 

He clears his throat and starts the camera, completely freezing when he’s back on his sofa, the red light indicating that it’s recording scaring him. 

“I- okay, I- fuck.”

He quickly switches the camera off again, heart beating fast against his ribs and his hands are ice-cold. He gives himself a few minutes to calm down before he slowly gets up, pressing play again. 

“Hi”, he starts with a shaky voice, “it’s Max. I- I need to tell you all something very personal-“

He stops the recording again, the lump in his throat so big it hurts and he closes his eyes, his hands shaking. It’s no big deal. 

It’s okay. 

Just one video. 

“Hello guys, I wanted to talk to you, getting a bit more private-“

No, this sounds absolutely ridiculous. 

“Hi”, his voice is rough and he clears his throat, sliding his hands below his thighs to stop them from shaking, “I know this isn’t my usual content but I- I ask you to please stay with me and hear me out.” 

Okay, this is going okay. This is going better than before, this doesn’t sound too stupid or awkward and he can use it for editing later.

“I’m- I’m-“

He breaks off, his heart beating in his throat, tears in his eyes and he switches off the camera, blood rushing in his ears. He can’t even say it. 

“I’m gay”, he whispers into the empty room, his cat curled up on the floor next to his PlayStation, “I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay.”

He starts the video over again a couple of times before he manages to go through with it somehow and he manages a thirteen-minute video without crying, talking about his insecurities and his fears. 

About the hiding, the stereotypes. The shame. 

He edits it for two hours and before he can think about it any longer clicks on ‘publish’. Who knows, maybe no one is even going to watch it, they’re all just here for the gaming content after all. 

He’s not prepared for the storm that follows. 

“Hi guys”, the voice is shaky, a bit hoarse, “I know this isn’t my usual content but I- I ask you to please stay with me and hear me out.” 

A deep breath. 

“When I started doing YouTube videos all these years ago, I never imagined any of this. I never thought so many people would like what I do, enjoy watching my videos. I always just wanted to play video games and somehow we got this amazing community.”

Another deep breath, fidgeting. 

“Playing video games- it’s what I love doing and I never thought people would actually be interested in me as a person. But then my channel grew and I owe you all a lot. And there’s something I wanted to talk about, something that’s important to me.”

A beat of silence. 

“I’m gay.” 

He’s a bit shocked by the waves his coming out video causes. Even the news report about it and Max watches everything unfold from his sofa, staring at his TV. 

He can’t believe they’re reporting about him, this is _insane_. He just- he just has one million followers, there are more important things in the world than that. 

He ignored his phone since he uploaded the video, distracting himself with playing GTA V and pretending real life doesn’t exist for a bit and his hands are shaking when he reaches for it again, his heart in his throat. 

He might have just ruined his whole career. 

He might have just- god he doesn’t even want to think about it. 

He slowly turns his phone around and unlocks it, hesitantly opening Twitter. And freezing.

He is trending in The Netherlands and- and people are incredibly supportive. His video nearly already has one million clicks, most comments are very positive and supportive and Max stares at them, tears collecting in his eyes.

This- no. 

No, they can’t- why would they- 

Why would they accept him that easily- 

He even gained a couple of followers already and he stares at his statistics, more tweet notifications coming in. 

His fans are supportive, they don’t care he’s gay and while there are a few bad eggs- a few bad comments- they’re drowning out between all the other positive ones and Max finds it easy to ignore them, his hands still shaking. 

He takes a deep breath, a big smile spreading over his face while he keeps scrolling through the comments. He feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he can breathe freely again. 

He can be his authentic self and his subscribers have no problem with it. 

He can be open about his sexuality and people accept him. 

It’s okay, it’s really- it’s really going to be okay. There’s no message from his Dad yet but he got an Instagram notification that Vic tagged him in a post and he switches apps, a smile spreading over his face when he sees it. 

Victoria made a post the second he posted his video and god, he loves his little sister so much. 

The feedback stays overwhelmingly positive and Max spends the next day trying to answer most of his comments, meeting with Vic for lunch and filming a new video. 

When he gets home later that day he feeds Balu before cleaning his flat half-heartedly and watching some Netflix and it’s only when he checks his phone later that night that his heart stops for a second, the blood in his veins freezing. 

He knew this was coming. Knew his father would be absolutely furious and Max deletes the messages, his hands shaking, a cold feeling spreading through his chest. 

The tears are back, running down his cheeks and he closes his eyes, throwing his phone away while pulling the white sofa blanket over his legs. 

He feels something between lost and hopeful. 

He knows it’s for the best to ignore his Papa’s messages, to not start another discussion but it hurts. It hurts so much, he always just wanted his Papa to accept him and be proud of him and reading the messages feels like a knife got pushed into his stomach. 

But there’s also a faint hope blossoming in his chest, hope for a better future. He feels freer, feels like he can breathe easier again. 

He still isn’t sure if this was the right decision. Judging by his community’s reaction, yes. 

Judging by his father’s reaction, no. And deep inside he knows this was it. He managed to disappoint his Papa again, he’s- he’s his biggest failure. His own father has finally given up on him, abandoned him completely. 

Max wipes the tears away, staring numbly at the dark TV, his thoughts a blurry mess, a heavy feeling on his chest. 

It’s a double-edged sword and while he hates his Papa he also loves and misses him. Wants him so desperately to be proud of him. 

He knows how pathetic that sounds but he just can’t help it. 

He catches himself going back to Instagram, scrolling through his account until he reaches an old post from 2012.

He had been 14 back when he posted that, desperately wanting nothing more than his Papa to be proud of him, to love him and Max swallows dryly when he looks at his younger self.

He remembers that day in the garage. 

His Papa had shown him how to work with the engine and Max had loved it so much, found it so fascinating. But when he had asked afterwards if he could work with cars later, become a mechanic, his Papa had just slapped him again, telling him to stop the bullshit.

He also remembers the day he posted that throwback. 

He had come home with a good grade and his Papa had told him he was proud of him. They went for ice cream before his Papa yelled at him later that night for spilling some ice cream on his shirt. Max had posted the picture on their way to the city, excited, hopeful.

Tears blur his vision the longer he keeps staring at the picture, his thumb hovering over the ‘delete’ button. He knows he should but he can’t bring himself to do it. 

Not yet. 

His phone vibrates, signalling him that he has a new message and he smiles with tears in his eyes when he sees his Mama’s messages. 

  


It won’t be easy but it’s going to be alright. Somehow. One day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I'd die for Max like he deserves the world


	5. January 2018

**January 2018**

He spent 2017 working _a lot_. He streamed with that Carlos guy again once but he doesn’t really know any other YouTubers and he spends most of his free time with Victoria who visits him as often as she can. 

He has around four million subscribers now, his channel constantly growing and he’s a bit shocked when he gets an invitation for his first big YouTube event in January 2018. 

YouTube invites a few of their most successful creators from 2017 to London and Max is incredibly nervous when he’s on his way to the airport, sitting in the back of a taxi. 

He doesn’t know anyone there and it’s just- he’s still a bit awkward around others. And making friends isn’t really his strong suit. 

But he’s also kind of excited for GameOn, the event YouTube created, for meeting other people like him and for playing a couple of rounds of FIFA. 

He checks in for his flight and when he lands in London, YouTube already sent him a car that will bring him to his hotel. He quickly changes into his suit (he wants to look good at least and the dress code says ‘Black Tie’) before stepping out of the hotel, biting his lips. 

There is no car from YouTube this time so he guesses he will take the cab then. 

He’s still a bit unsure if going to the event was the right idea when he arrives at the venue and he carefully makes his way through the crowd. Most people are his age, mostly men with occasionally a few women and Max takes a deep breath before getting himself a drink from the bar. 

He smiles at a few cameras and nods at a couple of people who seem familiar (he’s pretty sure he saw JackSepticEye somewhere but he doesn’t dare to walk over to him, too shy for that) even though he’s not even sure if they know who he is and he takes a sip from his Gin Tonic. 

The atmosphere is quite relaxed, there are at least 200 people here and Max watches them mingling and talking, a few playing FIFA or Fortnite or Call of Duty or god knows what on the few PlayStations set up around the venue. 

It’s nice and yet Max doesn’t exactly know what he’s supposed to do here.

There are a few people working for YouTube present, he got greeted by a young woman at the door but she has just told him to have fun and enjoy his night. 

Max isn’t exactly sure how he’s supposed to do that. 

He takes another sip from his Gin Tonic, watching a group of guys his age play some Need for Speed in one corner. Maybe he could just walk up to them and talk to them. 

And he streamed with that Carlos guy a couple of times before, maybe he’s here as well.

Max takes a step forward, wanting to pull his phone from his pocket to check Carlos’ social media when someone bumps into him and spills his drink all over his shirt.

“Fuck, mate, I’m so sorry!”, a voice with a thick British accent calls out and Max blinks, his shirt sticking wetly to his chest.

In front of him is a boy around his age, maybe a bit younger, with brown, slightly curled, hair, a guilty expression on his face and before Max can do something the guy already reaches for a few tissues from the bar, desperately dabbing against Max’s chest in an attempt to dry the shirt.

“It’s ... fine.” Max clears his throat, taking a step back and grimacing when his shirt sticks uncomfortably against his chest. 

But maybe this is a sign though. 

“I’m Max”, he says, offering the guy his hand and the guy’s eyes light up. “I know, I love your videos so much, mate! I’m Lando.”

He shakes his hand, a big grin on his face and Max blushes a little - it’s still a bit strange when people recognise him and tell him they watch his videos.

“What do you do?”, he asks, immediately feeling stupid. Lando just told him he watches his videos and he doesn’t know Lando and- 

“Gaming, a bit of streaming and vlogging, whatever I feel like.” Lando laughs carefree, he doesn’t seem to mind that Max doesn’t know him. “It’s my first YouTube event and I don’t know _anyone_ here. Well, except that cute Spanish guy I bumped into before and he’s _so hot_ and- sorry.”

Lando blushes a little when he realises he’s rambling and Max can’t hold back the grin that’s spreading over his face. He really likes Lando and while his shirt is still sticky and wet he finds he doesn’t mind at all. 

“Spanish YouTuber, huh?”, he asks and Lando nods excitedly. “Yes! Think his name is Carlos? Anyway, I don’t know anyone here apart from Carlos - and I doubt he knows who I am - and yeah.”

He shrugs a bit helplessly and Max smiles. “Same here, mate. I recognise people but making friends is _hard_.”

“Yes! And they all already seem to have their cliques-“ Lando goes on a rant about how he tried to befriend a group of French YouTubers two hours ago but gave up after a while when they kept using inside jokes and French and Max can’t stop grinning while listening.

He likes Lando, he really does and they end up playing a couple of rounds of Fortnite against each other.

Max is pretty sure he hasn’t had that much fun in a long time. 

When Lando is on a quick bathroom break Max pulls his phone from his pocket, opening Twitter and searching for Lando. He’s curious and he smiles when he sees Lando’s latest tweet. 

He follows him before he heads over to YouTube, scrolling through a few of Lando’s videos, the smile still on his face. 

He subscribes to him and pushes his phone back into his pocket, taking a deep breath. If he really made a new friend with Lando - that would be really nice. 

And yes, they live in different cities, countries even, but he made a _friend_ in some way, someone who accepts him the way he is and that’s something he rarely had in his life. 

“Wanna get out of here?” Lando is back by his side, a grin on his face and Max raises his eyebrows amused. “Bored?”

“Absolutely.” Lando grins, nodding towards the exit. “I know a nice pub just a couple of streets away from here if you’re up for it?” 

Max nods and Lando’s grin widens. “Good, let’s go.” 

They head for the doors, Max gets his coat on the way out and he takes a deep breath when they’re back on the street. It’s cold, his breath forming in small clouds in front of him and he shivers, following Lando down the street. 

“I’m not often in London”, Lando tells him, turning over his shoulder to grin at Max, “but my brother showed me this pub and it’s really nice!”

“Your brother with the new dog?”, Max makes sure and Lando’s smile, if possible, only widens. “Yes! His name is Uno and I’d die for that dog.”

“You’re close to your family?” Max follows Lando into a small, cosy pub at the corner of the street, slipping out of his coat and Lando nods. “Kind of.”

Max gets them two pints from the bar before falling down on the wooden bench across from him and sliding Lando his pint.

“I’ve got two little sisters and an older brother”, Lando tells him, a grin on his family. “And I’m actually from Glastonbury in Somerset which is a bit west of London.” 

“Think I’ve heard of it.” Max frowns, trying to remember English geography and Lando laughs. “Most have, we have the festival there every summer. You’re from The Netherlands, right?”

“Yeah, I live in Amsterdam.” Max smiles, taking a sip from his pint and Lando’s eyes start shining. “That’s so cool! I still live at home - I’m 17, I only turn 18 in November.” 

Wait did he just buy a minor alcohol?! 

“Do you get along with your parents?” Max leans back, it’s warm in the pub and decides to ignore the fact that Lando is still below 18. No one seems to care about them anyway and the suits they’re wearing probably help as well. 

“Yeah but they always complain that I shout too much while gaming.” Lando snorts, giving Max a quick look. “If you’re still looking for a roommate...”

Actually-

Max stares at him surprised and Lando blushes, hiding behind his beer. “I’m kidding, really, I-“

“Actually, I do”, Max interrupts him, clearing his throat. “I mean- like, I have space and a free bedroom-“

“You’re serious??” Lando stares at him with wide eyes and Max shrugs. “Yeah. I mean, I have a cat so if that’s a problem-“

“No, oh my god, I love cats!” Lando beams at him. “Really, I- I mean, we only know each other for two hours but I really like you, Max!”

“You’re hitting on me?”, Max asks him amused, surprised by his own boldness and Lando blushes even more, nearly choking on his beer. “No! No, I-“

“I’m joking, mate.” Max laughs. “I know your type is hot Spanish YouTubers, not Dutch ones.” 

Lando flips him off but he’s grinning as well. “What’s your type then?”, he counters and Max freezes. That’s something he never actually thought about, never even dared to think about.

“I-“ He stares at Lando, a bit lost and Lando looks at him shocked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t- I mean I saw your coming out video, I know how hard it’s been for you- like-“

“It’s okay.” Max forces himself to smile, petting Lando’s hand reassuringly. “Not your fault. My Dad he- he was- is- just a bit of a prick.”

“I figured.” Lando nods with a serious expression on his face and Max clears his throat. He really doesn’t want to ruin this evening by talking about his childhood traumas. 

“A nice smile”, he says, “I think my type is a nice smile. Dark hair.”

“Uhhh,” Lando smirks and Max laughs, feeling more carefree than he has in years. He’s not even in love and he doubts he’ll ever have a proper relationship (because, let’s be real, who would want to date _him_ ) but it’s nice talking with Lando about this. 

Talking about what his type is and he frowns, thinking back to all the actors he has had a crush on in the past. 

“I like curls”, he shrugs and rolls his eyes when Lando wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, “and ... and tattoos.”

He’s always had a thing for men with tattoos and Lando grins at him. “That’s something we can work with. Unfortunately, none of my friends fit that description-“ 

“I doubt your friends are old enough-“

“You’re 20, Max, that’s not that old.” Lando waves dismissively and Max laughs. “Okay, okay.”

They switch from boys to video games, talking for hours about Fortnite, Call of Duty, Need for Speed and Max can’t believe Lando is also doing iRacing, both of them immediately agreeing to play together in the future. 

They walk through London after the pub closes, still talking and Max feels an odd, happy feeling inside of him. He feels drawn to Lando like he’s in love with their friendship - in a very platonic way.

He’s comfortable around him, instinctively knowing Lando won’t judge him and he wishes they could spend more time together. 

Could talk more, play some video games together, do other stuff together. 

He never had that with a friend before and when Lando hugs him around 5 am in front of his hotel, promising to text him, Max feels lighter than he has in a long time. 

  


He snorts when he sees Lando’s comment and shakes his head amused before he boards his plane back to Amsterdam. Lando kept his promise, texting him the second he reached his own hotel and they’ve already made some plans to stream together in the future. 

And meet up a couple of times, to get to know each other better until Lando turns 18 and moves in with him. 

Max is really looking forward to it - especially with Lando’s chaotic way of playing Call of Duty. 

Max snorts, looking up from his chat with Lando, a smile on his face. His friend is still determined to move in after four months, just waiting to finally turn 18, and honestly, Max can’t wait.

He has never clicked as much with someone as with Lando, their friendship just works in such a strange and easy way and Max is really comfortable around him. 

They play online together nearly every day, sometimes yelling and shouting at each other, sometimes barely talking and sometimes not playing at all, just talking for hours on end like during that night in London. 

It’s odd - Max never thought he’d actually _want_ to talk to someone for so long but Lando makes it easy. 

And he’s really looking forward to moving in with Lando.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know how much I love Lando in this universe ksdjsd he is exactly what Max needed at this point
> 
> Also very grateful Lando gives me so much content ksjdksd


	6. November 2018

**November 2018**

“MAX!” 

Max flinches, tempted to remove one of his Air Pods at the volume of Lando’s loud voice and he shakes his head amused. “No need to yell, are you already on your way to the airport?”

“Yes!” Lando’s eyes are shining with excitement, Max hears him pulling his suitcase after him over the asphalt and he smiles. “Good, hurry.”

“Sure, I’ll just tell the pilot to fly faster then.” Lando’s voice is dripping with sarcasm while he steps into the airport, Max hears the murmur and chatter of voices around him and he laughs. “Would be appreciated, mate.”

“Yeah, yeah. Mum, can you already start queueing? Max, say hi to my Mum!” Lando turns the phone a little, showing his mother standing next to him, looking a bit exasperated and Max smiles. “Hello, Mrs Norris.”

“Max, how often have I told you to call me Cisca.” She smiles back at him before she heads for the queue, one of Lando’s sisters with her and Lando’s face is back on his screen. 

“Is your whole family dropping you off at the airport?”, Max asks amused but Lando shakes his head, quickly turning the camera again and showing Oliver, his older brother, talking to another one of Lando’s sisters. “Nah, just Mum, Oliver, Flo, Cisca and I, Dad has to work.” 

Max’s smile only grows and he looks down when something soft touches his legs. It’s Balu, purring lowly and Max lifts him up, placing him in front of him on the table. “Well, everything here is ready, we are waiting for you.”

“Balu!!” Lando’s eyes light up and he grins. “Alright, Mum and Cisca are already at Check-In and you pick me up from the airport, right?” 

“Yeah, let me know when you’ve landed.” 

“Will do- Max, I need to go, Mum is waving and she looks stressed. I’ll text you!” Lando flashes him another quick smile before he hangs up and Max shakes his head amused before getting up to feed Balu. 

The anxiety and excitement are pooling in his stomach, he can’t wait to see Lando again. 

They’ve met three more times during the year, Max visiting Lando and his family in May (to convince his best friend’s parents that he’s a decent guy and not some creepy psychopath), Lando and he took a spontaneous road trip to Italy in July (alright, Max drove and he met Lando in Verona) and the last time, Lando visited Max on his birthday, meeting his Mama and Victoria. 

They seem to like him and it still feels a bit unreal that Lando is really going to move in with him now. 

But Max is so excited about it. 

They ordered all of Lando’s furniture online and he built it up already, cleaned the flat twice today and he distracts himself by replying to some comments under his latest video before he gets into his car and starts driving to the airport.

He’s so nervous when he steps into the Arrivals hall at Schiphol airport, Lando sends him a quick text that he landed and Max starts pacing, hands buried in his pockets.

He’s never really spent much time at airports and he has never really waited for someone at an airport and he can’t see that changing in the future and he feels _ridiculous_ , this is just _Lando_. 

His best friend. 

Yeah, they’ve only seen each other four times but- Max doubts he ever had a better friend than Lando and he knows the feeling is mutual. 

He stops pacing when the sign above him says ‘(LHR) London - Baggage’ and he can’t stop the smile that’s spreading over his face when he sees Lando pushing his baggage trolley out into the arrivals hall. 

“Max!” Lando is yelling again and he hugs him tightly, a huge grin on his face. “I made it!”

“I mean, you came from London and not Australia-“, Max starts but Lando just elbows him, laughing. “Shut up, I was so tired I slept in the car on the way to the airport!”

“Because you’ve streamed until 3 am?”, Max asks dryly and Lando grins. “No, I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited.”

He looks a bit insecure suddenly and Max puts an arm around his shoulder when they leave the airport, pulling him a bit closer. 

“I’m happy you’re here”, he tells him seriously and Lando smiles, a bit shy all of a sudden. “I’m also very happy I’m here. _God_ , I missed your car.”

He grins when they stop in front of Max’s Aston Martin and Max laughs before he helps him load his luggage in the back of the car. 

They start driving, Lando still looks so excited, staring out of the window, taking in the city when they drive into Amsterdam and Max feels the nervousness come back when he parks the car.

What if Lando doesn’t like the flat, doesn’t feel at home, what if Balu doesn’t like Lando-

“It’s so nice here!” Lando’s voice makes him look up and he can’t hold back his smile when he sees Lando look around excitedly. 

The building in which his flat is located has one of Amsterdam’s many canals across from it, their street is lined by tall trees and Max helps Lando get his luggage out of the car and up the stairs. 

“We need to be careful Balu doesn’t run out”, he explains while unlocking his front door and Lando nods, curiously eying the gap.

They head inside the flat and Max kicks the door closed behind him, looking around searchingly but Balu is nowhere to be found and he shrugs before showing Lando his room. 

“I love it”, is the first thing Lando says when he enters his room, his window faces the street and the canal and he falls onto his huge bed, a happy smile on his face. “Max, your flat is so nice!”

“Our flat”, Max corrects him with a faint blush in his cheeks, sheepishly scratching the back of his neck. “I mean, we both live here now and you pay half of the rent.”

“I love it a lot.” Lando gives him a sincere smile, looking around his bright room. “And the flat is so tidy, I didn’t- I mean- I didn’t expect-“

“I was nervous”, Max interrupts him dryly, his cheeks still a bit pink. “I cleaned the flat twice to distract myself. Don’t get used to it.” 

Lando stares at him surprised for a second, he looks like he wants to say something but before he can something black jumps next to him on the bed and Lando immediately coos. “Awwww, he’s so gorgeous!! Hello Balu!”

He carefully extends his hand and Balu sniffs on it for a second before he bumps his head against Lando’s hand and climbs on his lap. Max stares at his cat speechless while Lando happily pets him, Balu purring loudly. 

“...right, so that’s settled then.” He shakes his head amused, Lando still happily petting Balu and Max clears his throat awkwardly. “I’m gonna let you unpack in peace, wanna order food later?”

“Yes, sure! Thanks, Max, really.” Lando gives him another honest smile, his hand in Balu’s fur. “I’m very happy I’m here.”

“I’m also happy you’re here.” Max returns his smile before he leaves, leaving the door a bit open so Balu can leave if he wants to and he heads for his own room to edit his latest video for a bit. 

They order food later that night, Lando paying while Max chooses a movie on Netflix and they settle on the sofa, take-away boxes on their laps, two cans of Red Bull in front of them on the coffee table. 

It’s easy and domestic as if Lando had always been around and when they’re done with their food Lando cuddles up to him, about to rest his head on his shoulder before he stops. He throws him a hesitant look, the insecurity back in his eyes. “Are you- I’m sorry I’m- are you okay with that?”

Max just wordlessly lifts his arm and Lando cuddles up with a happy smile on his face and Max smiles, eyes fixed on the screen. 

He never cuddled platonically with a friend before but ... 

It’s nice, actually. 

Lando and he quickly get an easy routine, evenly splitting the household chores between them and sticking to the schedule they came up with. Max was a bit worried at the beginning that they might not work but they find a good balance in giving each other space and still hanging out a lot together. 

The first time they argue Max has a minor breakdown but they talk about it and work it out. 

He learns that it is completely normal to have a few minor arguments from time to time and that, as annoyed as they both can get with each other from time to time, it’s never anything that isn’t settled in a couple of minutes and Max really enjoys having Lando around. 

They spend their nights either playing video games or just sitting or cuddling on the sofa, talking about god knows what, Max drinking some Gin Tonic or Red Bull while Lando is mostly fine with water. 

“My Papa was a real prick”, Max says quietly one night, it’s past midnight and they played a couple of rounds of Call of Duty before they switched to talking, Lando cuddled against his side with a blanket over his legs - Max noticed very early on that his best friend needs that closeness. 

And it’s good for Max too.

“He was very strict when raising me, even punched me - he called it ‘his way of disciplining me’”. Max snorts while Lando freezes next to him, turning a little to stare at him in shock. “What?!”

“Told you he was a prick.” Max shrugs half-heartedly, he’s doing a lot better since he moved out and Lando is with him. “Nothing I could do. I studied Law for a year because I hoped it would make him proud.”

“I guess it didn’t?” Lando raises his eyebrows, Balu curled up on his lap and Max shakes his head. “It got even worse after that.” 

He tells him about his childhood and his failed degree and it’s- it feels oddly freeing to talk about it. Lando is a great listener, just taking his hand mid-way through and Max feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders when he’s done.

“I love him.” He shrugs, showing Lando the throwback picture from 2012 on his Instagram. “And I just ... I still have hope, you know? Even though we haven’t spoken to each other since I came out.”

“I- okay, I can’t say I understand what you feel because I have a very different Dad.” Lando takes a deep breath and there’s nothing but disgust in his eyes when he stares at Jos on Max’s screen. “But Max- you’re doing so well. And I’m so proud of you, okay? You are amazing.”

He squeezes his hand and when Max looks at him there are a few tears in Lando’s eyes. 

“But what you told me- he’s such a horrible person, Max. I get that you love him because he’s your Papa but maybe- I don’t know. I don’t really know what to tell you.” He swallows visibly, his eyes serious. “But if he ever dares to show up here I’ll fucking fight him.” 

Max’s lips twitch and he wordlessly pulls Lando closer, hugging him. 

He knows he’s right and maybe it’s time to slowly let go. Maybe one day when his Papa is old they can reconnect. But right now there is only pain when he thinks about him. 

Max stares at the post and before he can think about it any longer he deletes it. 

“Okay, who the fuck is Daniel Ricciardo?” Max looks up from his phone frowning and Lando giggles, taking a sip from his mug. “You don’t know him??”

“No, should I?” Max raises his eyebrows, sliding his phone over so Lando can read the tweets and his best friend grins broadly after glancing at the screen. 

“I mean, they’re not wrong, you know? You _would_ be cute together.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Which was?”

“Who is Daniel Ricciardo?” Max takes his phone back, locking it before taking a sip from his water and Lando sighs deeply. “Daniel Ricciardo is an Australian travel YouTuber”, he starts, “very hot, very gay, very popular. Also makes videos about F1.”

“About what.”

“Formula 1, Max.”

Max stares at him, not really sure what to say. “Define ‘very gay’”, he says slowly and Lando groans. “Just, I don’t know, very open about his sexuality? He’s chill, I’ve met him once briefly during one of YouTube’s events.”

“Aha.” Max raises his eyebrows and Lando smirks. “He’d be your type, you know? Dark hair, very nice smile, tattoos...”

He laughs when Max throws him a glare. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

“Hey, all I’m saying is that you really need to get laid.”

“I had a One Night Stand just one week ago-“

“Urgh yeah, with that weird Thomas-guy.” Lando grimaces, his hands wrapped around his mug. “I didn’t like him.”

“You didn’t even meet him!”

“I was with you in that bar when he hit on you. I didn’t like his vibes.”

“Well, you’re not gonna see him again.” Max rolls his eyes and Lando raises his hands, still grinning. “All I’m saying is that they’re right: Daniel and you would be cute.”

“I doubt we even have something in common.” Max snorts before he quickly changes the topic, Lando easily following and soon they’re discussing one of Lando’s vlogs for next week. 

That ‘Maxiel’ thing is still at the back of Max’s head though and he groans annoyedly when he’s alone later in his room. The tweets only gained popularity but he ignores them - it’s- it’s not even a rumour.

Daniel and he don’t even _know_ each other. 

He doesn’t want to look that Daniel-guy up and while he keeps telling himself that it’s because he’s not interested in some F1-vlogger he knows it’s because he’s scared to actually fall in love. 

He’s not ready for that and that- that’s just ridiculous. 

  


Despite popular belief in the fandom Max and Lando do spend time apart as well - quite a lot during some weeks actually when they’ve got busy schedules coming up and sometimes Max just prefers walking through Amsterdam on his own.

His walks help him to clear his head and he loves exploring the city on his own, visiting some sights or discovering new restaurants and cafés. 

Lando and he went to the ‘The Avocado Show’ two days ago for lunch and he found another cool restaurant called ‘Bulls and Dogs’ a few days ago and he plans to take Lando and Sacha, one of his friend’s friends there. 

Max would die for their milkshakes. 

But for now, he’s content with just heading into the next best coffee shop, it has started to rain and he takes a deep breath, making his way through the quite crowded café. 

He debates if he should take some coffee to go but he’s not really keen on running through the rain again so he orders before squeezing through the crowded room, searching for a free spot. 

Every table is occupied though except one in the corner next to the big window - there’s just a young man sitting in front of a laptop, the second chair is still free. Max, normally really not one for just sitting down at a table with a stranger, decides in the split of a second and he makes his way over, awkwardly clearing his throat. 

“Hi, eh, is that chair still free?”, he asks quietly and when the guy looks up surprised Max swallows dryly. 

Damn, he’s beautiful. 

Sharp cheekbones, blue eyes, dark brown hair - Max is pretty sure he’s some kind of model and the guy nods, a smile spreading over his face. “Sure.” 

He pulls his laptop closer before shuffling his papers together and Max flashes him a quick smile before dropping on the chair, sighing. The rain is still drumming against the windows outside and the guy clears his throat, curiosity sparkling in his eyes. “Sorry if this is weird but you seem oddly familiar...”

Max sighs inwardly before he forces himself to smile and nod. “Yeah, I, eh, I make videos. I’m a YouTuber.”

He hesitates before offering the guy his hand. He seems nice enough and there’s a strange accent in his Dutch. “Max.”

“George.” George shakes his hand firmly, his eyes sparkling amused. “YouTuber, huh? That could explain it. I, eh, do YouTube too but probably not as successful as you.”

“Really?” Max stares at him surprised and George nods. “Yep. But if I remember correctly you do Gaming, don’t you?”

Max nods and George smiles - he has a nice smile, Max notices. “Yeah, I’m doing Politics.” 

“There’s a Politics side of YouTube??” Max raises his eyebrows in surprise and George snorts, his lips twitching. “Mate, there’s also a Knitting side of YouTube - my grandma loves it.”

Suddenly it clicks why the accent is so familiar and Max stares at him. “Wait, you’re British, right?” 

“My Dutch that bad?” George switches to English as well, a crooked grin on his face and Max is completely taken aback by the posh British accent. “What- no, no, it’s brilliant, I just-“

“I’m joking, mate.” George laughs and Max rolls his eyes but he’s not really annoyed - George seems like a really nice guy. 

“So, Politics YouTube?”

“Yep.” George pops the ‘p’, nodding towards his laptop. “I’m studying Politics and International Relations at the University of Amsterdam and I’m doing YouTube for fun in my free time. I wanna make Politics easy to understand and more accessible for everyone.” 

“That sounds actually really cool and people really watch that?” Max raises an eyebrow impressed when George nods, a proud smile on his face. “Took me a while but I’m at over a million subscribers by now. It’s fun.”

“And I thought you’re modelling next to studying”, Max slips out and George stares at him surprised for a moment before he starts laughing. “Thanks, mate, but I doubt I would be good at that.”

Max has serious doubts about that, especially when he searches for George’s Instagram a few moments later to follow him. 

Yeah, he’s suddenly very aware of his non-existing talent to pose. 

They keep talking for nearly two hours, George telling him he wants to move to Brussels after graduating, working for the EU or become a British ambassador somewhere in the world and Max really likes him. They exchange numbers, Max promising to text him and he makes himself a mental note to tell Lando about George. 

He’s pretty sure they’d get along. 

When he comes back home Lando is streaming on Twitch, apparently playing Fortnite and Max heads to the living room, falling down on the sofa and pulling up George’s YouTube account. 

He watches two of his videos and while he has never really been into politics - his videos are interesting. George explains everything incredibly well, breaking it down to its essentials and it’s fun listening to him - and it definitely helps that George really looks like a young god.

He’s not quite Max’s type but he gets it and he scrolls through the comments, grinning when he sees half of them thirsting after George before he likes the video and subscribes to his new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did we just unlock a new character??? We might have sjdksd
> 
> Also to give you an insight into how much I care about details: I researched if Air Pods already existed in 2018 bc Max wears some in his FaceTime call to Lando jksdjs


	7. July 2019

**July 2019**

Max flinches and nearly drops his phone when he hears a loud scream from Lando, his best friend sliding on his socks into the kitchen just moments later. “MAX!”

“What?” Max pushes his phone in the pocket of his jeans, staring at Lando unimpressed who looks like he’s going to hyperventilate every second now. 

“Carlos-“

“Is he alright?”, Max asks with mild concern, he hasn’t spoken that much to the Spanish YouTuber but he likes him and he’s not sure if he could deal with a heartbroken Lando if something has happened to Carlos. 

“Yes, yes”, Lando waves dismissively before pushing his phone into Max’s face, “but he’s moving to Amsterdam!!” 

“We’ve been texting _a lot_ ”, Lando tells him, a giddy expression in his eyes while he keeps pacing through the flat, “and he didn’t tell me _anything_!”

Max shakes his head amused, he knows how much Carlos and Lando have been texting - they’re both completely gone for each other. And again, Max has barely talked to Carlos. 

They haven’t really met though and Max has the suspicion Carlos moves to Amsterdam to be closer to Lando. Which will hopefully end their pining after each other because it’s getting a bit ridiculous. 

“And you’ve been following a”, Max quickly scrolls up and taps on the picture Lando sent Carlos, “Carlos Sainz Jr updates account?” 

“No, it was suggested on my Twitter feed-“ Lando blushes and Max raises his eyebrows, an amused smirk on his lips. “Sure.” 

“Listen, just because you plan on staying single forever-“

“I do not-“

“And are sexually frustrated-“

“Oh _please_ -“

“Doesn’t mean I have to”, Lando finishes, a shit-eating grin on his face. “He’s really moving to Amsterdam, Max, he’s gonna be around more often, we can _meet_! We can vlog with him and play video games with him and go to Pride with him!”

He looks so excited that Max has to smile when Lando hugs him tightly, basically radiating with happiness. He’s happy for him, he really is.

Lando has, as much as Max knows, rarely One Night Stands, mostly because he has been crushing on Carlos since that one event in January 2018 and he follows Lando into the kitchen, preparing lunch while Lando talks excitedly about Carlos. 

“And he commented under my latest video like remember I went home for a couple of days for Flo’s birthday and I was vlogging it and he liked it...” 

Max adds some spices to the vegetables, Lando sitting on their kitchen island, legs dangling down, gesticulating with his hands while talking and Max smiles while listening, the window to the street open, letting the warm summer air in. 

Carlos easily fits into their little friend group, getting along with George and they meet up quite often for coffee, drinks or food or they simply explore Amsterdam together. 

They’re at Benji’s for lunch today and Max leans back on his chair, grinning when he watches Lando eating the last bit of his toast. 

“This is the only way I get Lando to eat healthily”, he tells George quietly and George grins. “With aesthetically pleasing food?”

“Yep.”

They both look over to Lando who seems glued to Carlos’ lips, a happy smile on his face while taking a bite from his toast. He’s so gone for him and Max shakes his head amused before he listens to George who’s telling him about the essay he’s currently writing.

“And you know”, George says after they paid and left the restaurant, stepping on the sunny street next to the canal, “I can’t believe Darroch resigned, all he did was tell the truth! The Trump administration is bloody incompetent!”

“He was who again?”, Max asks, eyes trained on Lando who walks a bit ahead of them with Carlos next to him, Carlos keeping a hand on the small of Lando’s back and George sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Former British ambassador to the United States. Leaked emails, remember?”

Max does remember - George told him about it just half an hour ago - and he nods while George goes on about the whole thing and Max tries his best to keep up. He knows George is passionate about politics and Max wants to show him he cares - after all, George also patiently listens to their endless Gaming debates, somehow trying to make sense of it. 

And Max knows how much it can hurt when your friends dismiss your own interests and make fun of you for them. 

They keep walking among the canal and George stops talking when he hears Lando giggle. 

“God, he’s so gone for him”, he comments dryly and Max snorts, watching how Carlos pulls Lando closer, an arm around his shoulder. “You have no idea, all he talks about is Carlos.”

“Yeah, they’re really oblivious.” George and Max share a look of understanding when Lando laughs loudly and Max snorts, shaking his head. “Yeah no I’m not putting up with that for another few months how can they be so _blind_?!”

“Don’t worry, with how they’re acting they’re gonna be engaged by the end of the year.” George sounds amused and Max laughs, bumping his shoulder against George’s while they trail along the canal, the warm summer air breezing past them. 

“Remember when Lando and you nearly capsized on the canal?”

“Don’t remind me.” George groans but there is a grin playing around his lips and he runs a hand through his hair, looking once again more like a model than a Politics student. “It was a disaster, I can’t believe he talked me into that.” 

“Loved the vlog that followed mate, top tier entertainment.” Max laughs when George pushes him a bit. “You know it’s true!” 

George just grins before his face turns a bit more serious. “You’re joining us for Pride next month, right?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Max frowns and George gives him a small smile while calmly looking at him. “Lando mentioned you’re not the biggest fan of crowds and you’re not that comfortable with your sexuality so we shouldn’t pressure you. I wanted to ask anyway - I’d love to have you there.”

His smile is genuine and Max feels a rush of affection for his friends run through him, a warm feeling in his chest. It’s still a new feeling that they really seem to care about him but it’s nice.

“I’m fine, I didn’t go partying the years before but I always watched the boats in the parade”, he tells him, shrugging. “I’d love to go - and I’m gonna be fine.” 

“Good, because I really don’t want to third-wheel these two.” George snorts, his eyes behind the sunglasses falling on Lando and Carlos who are still a few meters in front of them and Max grins, silently agreeing with George. 

He also wouldn’t want to third-wheel Carlos and Lando. 

He started streaming on Twitch more regularly lately, kind of enjoying the possibility to interact with his followers a bit more and it’s actually fun. 

And, well, Lando kind of dragged him into it. 

Max overtakes a car on the simulator, he hasn’t played iRacing in a while and he glances at the chat, trying to somehow split his attention. 

_leila_98: what do u like about daniel ricciardo the most_

He blinks before reading the question out loud, his brain needing a moment to catch up and realise what mistake he made. 

He really had to bring up Daniel Ricciardo, didn’t he?

Especially after all the Maxiel rumours never really disappeared. Max sighs internally, wrecking his brain to somehow find something about Daniel he can answer, he doesn’t even _know_ the guy- 

“Eh, his smile I guess. Daniel has a really nice smile.” He overtakes another car, leading the pack now before smiling quickly at the camera and skimming over the chat. 

He ignores the other Ricciardo-questions, the fans go absolutely crazy and when he stops streaming after two more hours his Tweet notifications are filled with exactly one thing: Maxiel. 

Max sighs before he opens the first thread, not able to hide the small smile that is making its way on his face. 

  


Max shakes his head amused, ignoring Twitter - as long as they’re having fun, what does he care. But there’s still that curiosity inside of him, he still doesn’t really know who that Daniel Ricciardo guy actually is and he sighs before he opens Instagram, typing in ‘daniel ricciardo’ in the search bar. 

What does he have to lose? 

He draws in a sharp breath when he taps on his profile though and sees Daniel’s latest post. 

Fucking hell he’s- he’s really hot. Lando was actually right about this. 

Max did not expect that. 

He hesitates before he taps on ‘follow’ and he switches to the YouTube app, pulling up Daniel’s latest video - he might as well go fully down the rabbit hole now. 

Shit, Lando was right again: Daniel _is_ Max’s type. And watching his video Max definitely gets why Daniel is so popular. He’s charming, his smile is breathtaking, he seems to be able to wrap everyone around his little finger and the Aussie accent- 

It does things to him and Max closes the video, taking a deep breath. No need to start thirsting after some Australian YouTuber - it’s not like Daniel would ever want _him_.

No matter what the fans say. 

Daniel could have anyone, Max doubts that he would settle for some awkward Dutch Gaming YouTuber who doesn’t even know more than one F1 team (he knows Ferrari and that’s it) and has never been outside of Europe. 

Maxiel is just a stupid rumour the fans started and he really has more important things to worry about. 

_He’s running but the hallway doesn’t seem to end, only getting longer and longer and Max is getting more and more desperate, his chest aching, hurting. He knows he needs to get out of here, knows the walls are coming closer, are going to suffocate him-_

_His cheek stings, suddenly his Papa is in front of him, his face so red (he’s angry, a voice in his head supplies quietly) and he’s yelling, his voice soon the only thing Max can hear._

_’You’re a shame for our family, Max!’_

_There is another punch and Max feels the tears come back to his eyes. He hugs himself, desperately trying to protect himself from his Papa._

_’Disgusting fag, my son is not gay!’_

_Another punch and Max wants to fight back, wants to run away but he’s frozen to the spot, tears running down his cheeks._

_’You are my greatest failure, Max - stop crying, real men don’t cry!’_

_The next punch is in his stomach and Max doubles over, the walls coming closer, suffocating him, his chest tight, salty tears mixing with the blood on his lips and he wants to scream but he can’t, no sound left his throat._

_His father pushes him and suddenly he’s falling, falling so deep and long into a bottomless pit and he opens his mouth to try and scream again-_

Max wakes up sweaty, his breathing ragged and his chest sinking and rising fast. He quickly switches on the light next to his bed and he pulls his legs closer, hugging his knees. 

Fucking hell he really needs to get a grip. 

The time on his phone tells him it’s 3.21 am and he groans, massaging his temples. 

His nightmares are- well, a bit less frequent since Lando moved in but he still has them and he takes a deep breath before slowly slipping out of bed, walking barefoot into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. 

He heads into the living room after, finding Balu on the sofa and he sits down next to him, pulling his legs up and taking slow sips from his water, staring at the dark TV.

He doesn’t want to go back to bed, doesn’t want to sleep, his dream still haunting him and he shakily breathes out. His hand is still shaking slightly and he places his glass on the coffee table in front of him, biting his lip to distract himself from overthinking. 

It’s always the same dream. It’s always about his Dad, always about the walls coming closer, about him falling into a bottomless dark hole. 

“Max?” Lando’s sleepy voice makes him look up, his roommate standing in the doorway to the living room and Max flashes him a weak smile. “Hi.”

“Why you’re up?”, Lando mumbles, shuffling a few steps forward and Max shrugs half-heartedly. “Why are you?”

“Wanted to get something to drink and saw the light.” Lando rubs his eyes, yawning before he looks at him, frowning. “So?”

“I-“ And god, Max feels so stupid. He’s nearly 22, he’s not supposed to have nightmares anymore. And yet he sits in the living room with his cat hiding from his own mind like a little child.

But Lando is still looking at him expectantly, waiting, and Max sighs. Lando knows him better than anyone else, he knows he can trust him. 

And he is too tired to lie. 

“I had a nightmare. A bad one”, he says eventually and Lando’s eyes widen. “Do you-“

“No, I don’t want to talk about it”, Max interrupts him quickly and Lando nods slowly - he still seems half asleep and Max can’t blame him. 

“You know you can always come to me when you have had one, right?”, Lando then says and sighs when Max stares at him, a bit dumbfounded. “Mate, we are best friends, of course you can sleep in my bed after a nightmare.”

“I’m 21-“

“And?” Lando shrugs, clearly unbothered. “My brother is 25 and still sleeps with a stuffed animal. My Dad cuddles with my Mum when he has had a bad day at work or is sad. My sister shares a bed with her best friend at sleepovers. We all have ways to comfort ourselves.”

Max stares at him, still a bit speechless and Lando offers him his hand. “Come on, let’s try to get a bit more sleep and we’ll deal with the rest tomorrow.” 

Max swallows dryly before he slowly nods, taking Lando’s hand and following him into his room. He slips after Lando into his bed, still a bit unsure about all of this (men don’t- they don’t cuddle with each other in bed, right?! His Dad always said-).

“Stop overthinking”, Lando mumbles, stifling another yawn while cuddling up to him and switching off the light. “Cuddling is not gay.”

“I’ve done gayer things than that anyway”, Max mumbles and Lando giggles, pulling the blanket over them. “I don’t wanna hear how you sucked Alec’s dick the other night. I still think you should give Ricciardo a try.” 

“Shut up.” Max elbows Lando lightly and while Lando giggles again Max can feel himself grin, breathing becoming a bit easier again. 

“So what’s that new video about you filmed yesterday?”, Lando then suddenly switches the topic and Max frowns. It’s dark in Lando’s room except for the bit of light that falls in through the window from the streetlamp outside and he’s actually comfortable, the iron grip around his chest slowly easing. 

“Activision asked me if I wanna do a bit of promo for their new game”, he starts, shifting a little to get more comfortable. “Call of Duty Modern Warfare. They sent me a copy and I played thirty minutes online against a couple of other gamers. Was fun.” 

“You like it?” Lando sounds like he’s very close to falling asleep and Max nods, yawning and adjusting his position a little. Lando is warm against him and he pulls him closer after hesitating for a moment. 

“Yeah. I mean, two of my teammates were proper dickheads but we managed...” He keeps talking, feeling himself slowly getting calmer and sleepier again and it doesn’t take long until he’s fast asleep as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh you have no idea how much fun I had creating their social media posts sksksk
> 
> Also, if you happen to be in Amsterdam GO TO BENJI'S THEIR FOOD IS SO GOOD 
> 
> Sending you all so much love 💛💛💛


	8. April 2020

**April 2020**

He still has nightmares. They seem to be the only constant in his life with Lando and while Max got a bit better at dealing with them on his own he still prefers company after especially bad ones. He drags himself across the small hallway to Lando’s room, Balu following him curiously and Max rubs his eyes, opening the door. 

Lando’s room is dark but there’s a bit of light coming in through the window from the streetlamp outside and Max knows his way around by heart, stepping over a few cables and clothes on the floor, walking over to the bed. 

Balu jumps on Lando’s desk chair, curling up and Max yawns, trying to ban the memories of his nightmare from his mind. 

“Max?”, Lando mumbles, shifting in bed and Max gently pushes him over. “Bad dream”, he says quietly and Lando wordlessly scoots over, lifting the blanket for him. 

Max breathes out when he’s in bed next to him, Lando lowering the blanket over them and Max feels Lando cuddle up. 

“You wanna talk about it?”, he asks sleepily and Max shrugs helplessly. Kind of yes but he doesn’t want to go into the details and he curls his toes below the blanket, shifting to get more comfortable. 

Lando’s scent is surrounding him, it’s quiet in the room and he feels himself slowly calming down.

“Just lots of yelling from my Dad”, he mumbles, “same as always. That I’m his biggest disappointment, his greatest failure, the usual.”

“What a prick”, Lando replies, pressing a tired kiss against his cheek before pulling the blanket higher over them and Max can’t hold back a quiet laugh. “Yeah. What a prick.”

Lando’s pragmatism when it comes to his Dad always helps to sort his thoughts and he smiles when his best friend hugs him sleepily before turning around to go back to sleep. 

Max ignores the TV in the background, some report about the upcoming Dutch GP - he just switched it on to have some background noise while preparing breakfast. 

He’s calmer than the night before, waking up around 6 am and going for a run before he took a long shower, giving himself time to actually think about what happened last night. 

Visiting Lando after a bad dream became a routine none of them minds that much - and again, it has gotten a lot better. 

But Lando has taught him that it’s okay to ask for help and Max gladly takes it. 

Still, something seemed to have triggered it yesterday and Max makes some coffee for Lando, debating if it’s worth the effort to make some pancakes. 

“Amsterdam’s gonna get crowded with over 100,000 fans being expected to travel to Zandvoort for the Dutch GP”, the guy on the TV says and Max sighs switching channels. Great, means going out is going to be even more complicated and he decides to go for the pancakes. 

Lando loves poffertjes (and it’s one of the only things he can order in perfect Dutch after living in Amsterdam for one and half years) and Max starts mixing the ingredients for the dough together.

He’s still a bit tired but his run has helped clear his head a bit and he looks up when Lando shuffles into the kitchen half an hour later, holding his phone in his sweater paws.

He looks like he just woke up and he slumps down on one of the chairs at their kitchen island, yawning. “Why are you awake already?”

“Because it’s quarter to eleven?” Max raises his eyebrows, flipping the poffertjes and Lando yawns again, supporting his head with one hand on his chin. “It’s too early but I do appreciate you making breakfast after stealing my blanket all night.”

“Shut up, you were snoring.” Max rolls his eyes and Lando gives him an offended look. “Nuh-uh, _you_ snore.” 

He takes a sip from his coffee, pulling his legs up while texting someone and from the smile on his face Max knows it’s Carlos. 

“Any plans for today?”, he asks and Lando looks up, shrugging. “Nah. George is super busy with uni lately and Carlos is meeting with an old friend from Spain so I guess I’m gonna play some Fortnite on Twitch. You?”

“Gonna do some editing and I wanted to stream some iRacing on YouTube - you wanna join?” Max shovels some poffertjes on a plate and puts it in front of Lando, sitting down across from him. “It’s been a while since we did that.”

“Yes!” Lando nods enthusiastically, reaching for the Nutella. “I’ve played too much Fortnite lately anyway, I think my followers get a bit bored of it.” 

He continues eating and texting Carlos and Max shakes his head amused, pulling his own phone from his pocket - he still needs to post that picture from his interview with the guys from Power Unlimited. 

He opens Instagram, snorting when he sees what Lando posted this morning. 

Max shakes his head amused, Lando has confused some cows for sheep when they were out and he likes the post before uploading his own picture. 

That chat was two days ago, they talked about upcoming games in 2020 and the E3 in LA later this year and Max hopes the video is gonna be okay. He’s not really a fan of vlogging or interviews, he’s awkward in front of the camera and doing a facecam during streams is already a huge challenge. 

One he’s not always up for. 

They’re both on their phones during the rest of breakfast, occasionally talking and Lando, after cleaning up after himself, disappears into the bathroom. 

Soon after he hears Lando hoover the flat, loudly yelling along to ‘Feelin’ Myself’ by Miley Cyrus and will.i.am and Max shakes his head amused before he heads to his own room to edit his Horizon Zero Dawn video. 

He uploads the video when he’s done, only getting himself some toast for lunch before he starts streaming on YouTube, answering a couple of fan questions. 

In the afternoon while still streaming, he pulls his phone from his pocket, quickly texting Lando. 

He looks back at his chat, frowning. “Ah yeah no, that was just Lando, guys, not Daniel. Sorry to disappoint you there. We discussed dinner for tonight.” 

He blushes a bit, cursing himself for using a facecam today and he shakes his head amused when he reads the next question. 

_maxielsimp: what’s for dinner?_

“We're probably gonna order Thai, Lando says he’s craving it.” Max picks up racing again, glancing at his screen from time to time. “We try to keep a balance of cooking and ordering.”

He swears when he nearly crashes into another driver, praying YouTube won’t care too much about the amount of ‘fucks’ that just left his mouth and he skims over the chat, grinning when he sees a couple of people commenting on Lando’s non-cooking skills. 

“Believe me, it’s for the better when Lando doesn’t cook”, he says dryly. “He managed to burn pasta the other week.”

Lando’s kitchen fails became as much of a meme as Max’s broken brake pedal and Max (and Lando’s followers to be honest) love making fun of him for that, knowing Lando still gives him just as much shit about that goddamn broken brake pedal. 

They have a beautiful friendship built on banter, occasionally insulting each other and a lot of love and trust. 

He checks the chat, grinning when he sees the next question. “Nah, George is super busy at the moment, I doubt he’ll be in Lando’s next vlog. He got an internship in Brussels or something like that going on at the moment.”

And Max doesn’t envy his friend one bit, he’s glad he’s not drowning in uni work anymore. 

“But you have to ask Lando for that, or even better, George himself. I don’t do vlogs.”

Or, as mentioned, very rarely when Lando forces him again and threatens to just film him when he’s sleeping which always results in Max flipping him off and grumpily agreeing, awkwardly waving at the camera when Lando and he are out and his best friend is filming. 

Again, a beautiful friendship. 

His friends are way more open about vlogging but Max just- he secretly thinks it’s still somehow related to his Papa even though he only thinks very rarely about him these days. They don’t have contact anymore, his Papa has ignored his last few birthdays and while Max keeps telling Lando (and George and Carlos, who only know bits and pieces) that he’s okay with that - he’s not. 

It still hurts a lot. 

Max drives two more laps, occasionally answering a couple of questions and he wants to say something game-related when he sees the next question in the chat and he freezes, his heartbeat picking up. 

He should’ve known the question would come sooner or later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand we go full circle :')
> 
> Thank you all so so much for the support, for your love for this universe and my writing in general and I can't wait to share more of it with you!
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day and take care 💛

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me on tumblr @ [verstappened](https://verstappened.tumblr.com/) if you wanna tell me about your favourite YouTube AU moment sksksk 💛
> 
> Kudos and comments are very appreciated thanksss 💛


End file.
